Please be brutal I need the critisisim for the corrections.
Intro
Thump, thump
Thump, thump
Thump, thump
I could hear my heart pounding as I raced around the corner. The stone walls glowed an ominous light, and the dancing fire illuminated my path. I could hear voices in the distance screaming, and shouting. I could see the door and knew that the people were behind that door. Then I saw a blood sword jutting out from by torso, before I was able to turn around the swordsman had removed his weapon and sheathed it in my heart. All color faded from my eyes but I could feel no pain. I felt myself falling, falling, falling…
Chapter 1
I woke up with a jolt, drenched in cold sweat, my heart still racing. I have had that dream before and every time it gets more realistic. I get up and started getting ready for my work the smell of burning wood, and metal filled the air. Dad must be working early. My father Gabriel was one of the finest blacksmiths in Duthaitchel. He has been practicing his craft for over 20 years now. I grabbed myself a quick breakfast of bread and water and continued on into the shop. I could see my father and his apprentice Michael working. Michael was about 23 and has been working as my father’s apprentice for roughly five years. I was going to take over for Michael when he left to find a master to finish his training with when I turned 18. I was only 15 and I could not wait.
I loved the shop it was always warm and smelled over burning wood. There was a furnace on the left side of the building near to was an anvil and a bucket of water, Father liked to keep his tools above him so there where easy to find and grab, but occasional easy to walk into. Gabriel usually only worked on about one or two weapons at a time but right he was working on about twenty. I wondered why he had taken on a job like this. While I was wondering this Michael turned around to greet me. “ Good morning, it is about time you arouse” he stated “ Me and Gabriel have been working all morning”
“Sorry I over slept I had the same nightmare again but more vivid this time.” I replied
“Ah, I see. Well that does not excuse you from you choirs, quit standing around and grab us more firewood” My father directed me. I guess it was his way of saying good morning.
I grabbed the axe and went outside. It was a beautiful day out the sun was still just shining over the mountains but the sky was clear and the air was nice and crisp. I walked over to the wood pile and grabbed a couple logs. I split them into smaller pieces, though large enough so that they would burn slowly. I was a fairly average height for my age about 5’10 and I was proud of that. I was pretty well muscled because my choirs around the forge.
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6 comments:
That's cool that you're writing a book! Do you have a title yet? And what time period is this set in? It sounds really interesting so far.
But one thing I think you should do is check that you don't repeat some stuff. Like "I could see the door and knew that the people were behind that door. " You could just be like "I could see the door and I knew people were behind it." Or instead of it, you could describe the door, which seems important enough to add a few details. You could say "I could see the door and I knew people were behind the heavy burning wood that was turning to a solid block of ash, consumed by flames before my eyes." Or something.... That was a really good start though! I could like...SEE everything happening. Very awesome.
waiting for more,
already_in_the_air
Thanks. That means a lot to me. I think I will go over and add more details. Thanks for all your help and I will keep adding newer/updated versions when I get to them.
Se onr sverd sitja hvass
May your sword stay sharp
Brisingr Sverdar
Your welcome! Are you going to send your book to a publisher? Once you're done writing and editing and stuff, you should try sending copies out to like, Absey&co, or Ramble House, or Schoolastic. Because Schoolastic (besides putting your books out in stores and school book sales and stuff) will actually publish for authors under 18. Depending on the book.
already_in_the_air
Also: Reference to Eragon? I was kinda surprised by the new book's title. Maybe just because one of my friends (who is very much obsessed, seriously, with everything to do with Lord of the Rings, and Eragon, and everything like them, and NEVER stops talking about them) said that all the books were supposed to have six-letter titles starting with an "E". So he thought the last book would be "Empire". Did you hear anything like that?
The first two did and the last one was but there was only supposed to be three boks but the third grew to over 1,000 pages so Chris decided to make it into a series instead of a trilogy. If i get it done I will send it to a publisher if I think it is good.
Yes I did know the last was supposed to be call "Empire" Who is your friend because I would very much like to talk to that person because I too love Lord of the Rings and Eragon.
How did u get my hint to Eragon. Was it from the signiture or the final quote.
Se onr sverdar sitja hvass
Brisingr Sverdar
P.S I like the name Brisingr Sverdar more then the one I have now but I can't change so I am going to sign diffrently.
nice book fang!
cant really make any corrections... srry but its really good :D
luv ya
nun ya busniess
awesome! i like eragon and the series too.
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