Alright well a while back I started to write a story and then I realized that the way I had written it sucked and I had no idea for what to write next so a couple months went by and I started writing again. A new story that might use what I have written in it. Well this is all I have so far tell me what you think.
(I really liked my dream sequence from my first story so the dream I am talking about is that one)
I awoke from my all to vivid dream, sweat dripping from my cold body. I slowly lifted myself from my bedroll. The early morning sun had not yet risen over the mountain tops but a dim red glow surrounding the hills told me it was near. I walked now the old dirt path I had found the night before, the cool air rustled through the trees and bushes surrounding me creating a quite and relaxing buzz. I continued down the path until I came across pool of water. “Ah” I signed the only words that I could use to describe the beauty of the pool. The water calm as glass sparkling in the almost sunrise light. I looked down at the cool, refreshing water and began to undress. In a second I was in the water washing away the dirt and the grime of the days before with one long powerful dive. The water was cold in the almost June morning but the sensation of weightless overtook me. My dark red hair floated where I had stopped not moving for there was no current, I admired it for a second before I had to resurface. I went up to get a breath of air and dove back down into the deep blue, I saw near the bottom of the lake a small cave that I wished to explore before I had to leave. I broke the surface on last time, gathered as much air as I could and went down.
Thanks for reading and please tell me what you think I would like to know you opinions.
Fly on. Live free,
Avian Fang
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3 comments:
That was twice as amazing as the other chapters, which were also awesome, so this was really really good! Two tiny details I though could be tweaked though.... First, was that I think your description of the pool was a little sketchy, because it is first described as a pool the character simply happens across, then later as a lake deep enough to contain a cave--very mysterious, by the way, a cave to explore! I just think maybe it was a little confusing, as the visual took place in my head. The second piece was that you used the word "almost" twice. The second usage was fine, but the first was a little awkward in wording--maybe change it from "almost sunrise light" (and that created a very clear picture for me, I liked that part a lot, as well as everything else) to "nigh" or "near" or some other synonym, just so it's less repetitive. I can tell this is going to be a really great story!!! :)
~aita
Thanks Aita I will make a will take that into consideration when I am reviving it. The way I had envisioned the cave was more like a tunnel leading into the side of the lake. (Underneath were he would have been standing. If that helped at all.) And you better believe I am going to use the cave, thats chapter 2. I already started writing it today during class when I finished my work so I hope to have it done by Friday.
Fly on. Live free,
Avian Fang
Wow, that's great!!! And that explanation about the cave really helped un-confuse me. But I'm just an easily confused person, so maybe it was just me.
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