This post is once again more for me. I am sorry I keep making these but because of certain things that are out of my control I am finding myself think and reflect on myself and my habits. There will be a lot less swearing then my previous rants but I have to get all my thoughts together just to help myself out.
As a kid I was really different, and I was proud of this. I enjoyed being unique and having things I was good at separate from the majority. The problem is that most people do not like the outcast the individual. Especially in our day and age. So as a kid I was constantly bugged about being different, I am a proud person, and I pride myself for trying not to give in to other people. But the constant run ins with these people who did not like me and who I was not very fond of either did have there effect. I begin to teach myself not to care, to ignore them.
To hate.
It worked, I hated them, there words meant nothing to me. It was easier this way and it worked. This skill has protected me for a long time, saved me from a lot of things that probably I should have endured.
Alright so now you know about my shield. Here is my problem. With this hate became control. I had complete and total control over my life, I did not have to worry about what people thought or did because I hated them, and didn't care about them, and I always had control over my emotions. Lately I have begun losing control. I let my hatred slip away so I could become more human again. With this I also have been able to feel emotions again far stronger then I have ever before. Only downside is I can't control this.
I HATE NOT BEING IN CONTROL!
I am not obsessive of other people but the fact that I am not in control of my emotions drives me insane. Emotions are peoples thoughts and feelings, they are what make us who we are (and in some cases what make us human) I can't control them anymore because of my love for Erica. So I am conflicted, I can't control my emotions because they are so strongly connected with her, I want control over my emotions because I feel safer that way. At the same time I want nothing more then to be with her.
Something else I hate is starting a post knowing exactly what I am going to say, write most of it and then lose my train of thought at the end. It really annoys me.
Ah I think I know what I want to say again.
This post helps me realize what I have been feeling. I have opened myself to another person in doing so I have begun to stop protecting myself. I should mention that I also lie A LOT to protect myself but I am feel compelled to tell the truth which is weird for me.
I really don't know what else to say my brain is no longer on overdrive.
Do you guys think I should make a separate blog for my rants or leave it on here.
Fly on. Fly free,
Avian Fang
3 comments:
Telling the truth is good, lying means you have to remember exactly what you lied about and then life gets tricky. Interesting for sure, but harder to manage. Truth is the basis of any healthy relationship blah blah.... It's true, and cliche, and good to keep in mind.
I don't think you purely hated people, you just probably let your id take control. Which basically means your first instincts and your raw first impressions controlled your thoughts of people and you never let them get close enough to develop a true opinion in a place of your head outside the immediate first second where you judged "tolerable person" or "I hate them". So maybe you have possibly felt like you've been extremely judgemental? And in actuality, science says that it was really minimally-evolved animal instincts.
So your shield isn't gone. You have just expanded it to let someone you truly care for become closer to you, and if you are completely comfortable with that, it's a good thing for you! :)
And now, my answer to the one question you actually asked (meaning, I am not going to care of you ignore everything previous to this): No, keep your rants here. Two blogs would be troublesome to keep up with, and it would only mean readers would have to go to your other page to see about your updates there as well as here. So unless you just want to keep the thoughts relatively private while still writing them out, I say just rant here. It's your blog for your thoughts, so why not?
I am good at lying and I almost never mess up my tales. You might be right about the hatred thing, for some people though (the people that made my shield myself) I truly did hate them with a passion.
My emotional level is not that developed, I have a lot of animal instincts instead of full emotions and that is who i am. I don't think I am ever going to get rid of my shield but being around someone (erica) who tries to love everyone instead of hate them (like i do) might make it so I do eventually lose the shield completely. Alright yea you are probably right two blogs would be really confusing.
Fly on. Fly free,
Avian Fang
Of course I'm right. :) And I know everyone has those weird first thoughts about people that they can't control. It's why the world is so interesting and also so full of problems.
A shield isn't a bad idea you know. Life hurts people and it's not like I was trying to advise you to go around just letting everything get to you on an emotional level, that would be a bit much. Just maybe you have more of a wall or a cell around yourself now and you could work it down to a shield if that's what you want. Nothing's wrong, either way.
~me
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